I wanted it to be us

I could be myself. I could be my happy, crazy self. It wasn’t until a few years later that bitternes and jealousy consumed me. I’m not sure what happened – what made my switch flick, but I don’t wish it to ever happen again.

From the first moment I met you I was in awe. How would I survive working with someone so attractive? Giddy was an understatement.  I was drawn to your eyes and then to your personality. We didn’t talk much at first, I was far too nervous. It wasn’t until a few months later when we ran into each other everything started. Everything I did, revolved around you. I’d wake up and wait for your sleepy head to wake to begin our day of conversations. We spoke about everything, I’d never been so comfortable. I was so nervous to see you again because for six weeks, we’d only spoken online. I first saw you at school and it was kind of an awkward hug that lingered for too long, where you go in looking at each others lips unsure of what to do. We had an undeniable connection.

I remember our first kiss – emotions from the past six weeks, talking for hours on end built up into one sweet kiss. And a month later our first night together clumsy and awkward yet intense; two souls connected. It was the beginning of the next two years. When you wrote my name in the concrete for the world to see, outside of where we first met. It is still there today.

We’d cry together and laugh. We’d joke and giggle. We’d call each other nicknames. We’d stay up until early hours of the morning. We’d get maccas and joke through the streets. We’d look up into the sky and see shooting stars. I’d see that cheeky look in your eyes, that no one else could see and I’d see sadness, pain and hurt. Even many years later, I’d see the pain you forever tried to escape from. I believed in you, maybe a little too much, but I believed in you even when you didn’t.

I’d stay over at your house wrapped in your arms and pray for it to never turn morning – because I was happy and safe. Daylight meant I had to leave and be alone again in a misunderstood world.

When you came to my graduation, it broke my heart. I just wanted you to be mine – you were there but not my own. When I’d try and move on, you were all that crossed my mind. And I hated the fact that I just still wanted you. I cried alone for many years after. I held onto you for so long because I wasn’t ready to fight the world alone. I didnt want it to be me, I just wanted it to be us.

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