Harder than the rest

It’s almost always the same feelings except lately I’m torn between the few moments of relief and the constant heaviness that I try to subside while I attempted to find solace within you – it never lasted long. You’re like a drug. Feelings consume me when I wake until you make contact, they consume me after to the point I don’t want to feel anymore. It’s in those small fleeting moments that I laid on your chest where I could forget, but it was never long enough. Old memories and feelings keep washing up to the surface breaking  down the guard I’ve fought so hard to build these past few years. Even though you’re different, you’re just the same. Yesterday was harder than the rest.

I should’ve known better. I knew it in my heart. The anxiety each day, waking up with a heavy chest. I could barely function. Like a zombie.  The feeling of sickness – creeping, lingering in my throat. All because of what? Who? How can someone give you that feeling only for you to brush it aside? Because we chose what we want to see. We chose to see only the good over the bad and in the end it disappoints us. I guess I just wanted to believe. To believe that you weren’t the same.

Maybe you’re not the same, but you were very similar. The way you held me, or kissed my hand. Your chest even felt the same. Your mannerisms, were far too similar. I left my life to start again and I feel like it’s haunting me. I didn’t even know you for long and I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do. The first person in 20 months. You were the first one I let in and I guess that’s why it hurts.

Sleep barely comes. I lay awake most of the night, and when I do fall asleep, I wake up two hours later – again, struggling to fall back asleep. My brain is in a constant churning motion thinking of every possible situation, it becomes a snowball effect and I cannot escape. My mind is playing a vicious game.

I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel like I’m the person I was before. I’ve changed. Too many people have said things they never meant and it mightn’t seem like much, but when it keeps happening how can you stay the same person? The small things. “I’ll message you.” But you never did. Or that time when you had “work” but I saw you and had a girl over? I’ve become very sketpical, questioning everything everyone says. Do they really mean it? Or are they just saying it to make you happy?

It’s lonely here on the inside. It’s a constant battle within myself. I wake up, but don’t want to be here. There’s people around me, but we’re all in our own little world walking around aimlessly. Most walking aimlessly with others, then there’s me. Aimlessly alone.

But today is different. I wake up feeling lighter. We haven’t spoken and I feel relief. This day is mine and I can get out of bed, I want too. I take a deep breath, something I haven’t been able to do all week and I start my day.

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