2015

It was you who I wanted
only you.
for so long
you said you wanted me
but weren’t willing to commit.
you wanted your cake
and to eat it too.

I wanted the warmth of your body holding mine
as it was you where I felt safe
I wanted your hand in mine
as we lived this life together
I wanted you by my side
but you didn’t want me
I wanted to share the struggles
and triumphs
with you.

at first,
they were small.
but now I could jar up your lies
and fill a whole cupboard.
I’d question you
and you’d put it back on me.
then I began to question my own judgement
as if I was always wrong
in the end, I just didn’t bother.

You were never there
or when you were,
you weren’t present.
we’d have arguments
but it was always my fault
for being too much,
caring too much,
asking too much,
wanting too much.
I was just
too much.

I knew I was worth more.
but I could see the boy underneath
who’d been through something
bigger than I could comprehend
And I wanted to be there for you,
everyone needs a ‘someone’
or so I thought.

We’d already been through the worst
the lies
the hurt
the battle.

I was a mess
scrambling to pick up
what was left of me
like they weren’t mine anymore
shards of myself,
slipping through my fingers
where do I begin?

Broken.
Exhausted.
I gave up.
The tears stopped
and that’s when I knew
I deserved better.

I gathered the last few pieces of me
I had left
and started anew,
without a trace of you.

It was never easy
walking away from someone I loved
but I needed me.
I needed to search for all I had lost.
I wanted to be whole again.
I deserved that for me.

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